"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real get-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
Neil Gaiman
Friday, December 4, 2009
Another Day, Another Insult
I know this blog is supposed to be about anxiety, depression, OCD, and BDP, but I've spent a lot of time covering anxiety, and since I'm writing from my heart, I only write when I feel the emotion to do so. Today is one of those days. But once again, I'm writing about BPD and depression. You see, my BPD friend is so critical of me that no matter how happy I am at any given point during the day, it almost brings me to tears sometimes. And sometimes it actually does bring me to tears.
I am close to crying as I write this, but I haven't yet. Maybe afterwards -- I feel the need to put my feelings down on paper before I can allow the emotion to flow out of me physically in the form of tears.
No matter what I say, no matter what I do, he criticizes me. Today I said something about how cold it is going to be over the next couple of days, and he starts going off on me telling me that "It's wintertime, it's supposed to be cold. Shit!" Now, that makes sense, but do I really deserve to be spoken to that way? Am I that small of a human being, with so little to offer that this is the way someone should show me love? Am I so desperate that I should accept it? Not very many days ago, this same person was complaining about how they had planned on going out but changed their mind because it was simply too cold. Now, I didn't go on a tangent talking about how it's winter and he should expect it to be cold. When I brought this up today, his response was "I'm an adult and I can change my mind about going out for whatever reason I want to -- sleepy, tired, too cold, WHATEVER!!!"
I truly, deeply care for this person. But I'm so tired of being his whipping post, his dog to kick, his trash. Why can't I make him understand that I don't deserve to be spoken to like this? Why do his words have to be filled with venom and his tone so harsh and nasty? I think it's time for me to really take a look at what's wrong with me that makes me stay with a person who continues to treat me like this day after day after day. Oh, some days are wonderful, but some are so horrible, I can't even find the words to express the depth of hurt that I feel. I've hurt him with my anxiety, and I acknowledge that. He hurts me with his words. But he will say something and then swear he didn't say it -- it's just my mind playing with me.
My future is very unsure right now. I know what I want, but I also know what's not good for me. Maybe he's not good for me, and maybe I'm not good for him. Maybe, even as much as I want to be, I just can't be enough for him. And maybe, as much as he wants to be, he just can't be enough for me. Because I don't want to hurt all the time. And I don't want to feel like I'm pathetic, ruined, or less than what one's standards desire. Every time I get to this place, I just want to say, please let's just go our separate ways. I'll always love you (and I will), but I don't want to live like this anymore. I've hurt too much for too long now. Sometimes, having nothing at all is better than having something that's hurtful. I can be alone. I can be okay alone. But I cannot continue to be mistreated. My self esteem is not nearly where it should be, but I do know that I deserve better. This guys needs a crash course from Will Smith in how to treat a lady. But, for some strange reason, I think the only person he treats this way is me. The question is, why do I continue to take it. And when will I stop? If you're reading this blog today and can offer me some words of advice, please do. Because right now, I'm drained emotionally. I must be finished writing my blog because the tears are starting to flow now. May God help me, what have I done to deserve this?
I am close to crying as I write this, but I haven't yet. Maybe afterwards -- I feel the need to put my feelings down on paper before I can allow the emotion to flow out of me physically in the form of tears.
No matter what I say, no matter what I do, he criticizes me. Today I said something about how cold it is going to be over the next couple of days, and he starts going off on me telling me that "It's wintertime, it's supposed to be cold. Shit!" Now, that makes sense, but do I really deserve to be spoken to that way? Am I that small of a human being, with so little to offer that this is the way someone should show me love? Am I so desperate that I should accept it? Not very many days ago, this same person was complaining about how they had planned on going out but changed their mind because it was simply too cold. Now, I didn't go on a tangent talking about how it's winter and he should expect it to be cold. When I brought this up today, his response was "I'm an adult and I can change my mind about going out for whatever reason I want to -- sleepy, tired, too cold, WHATEVER!!!"
I truly, deeply care for this person. But I'm so tired of being his whipping post, his dog to kick, his trash. Why can't I make him understand that I don't deserve to be spoken to like this? Why do his words have to be filled with venom and his tone so harsh and nasty? I think it's time for me to really take a look at what's wrong with me that makes me stay with a person who continues to treat me like this day after day after day. Oh, some days are wonderful, but some are so horrible, I can't even find the words to express the depth of hurt that I feel. I've hurt him with my anxiety, and I acknowledge that. He hurts me with his words. But he will say something and then swear he didn't say it -- it's just my mind playing with me.
My future is very unsure right now. I know what I want, but I also know what's not good for me. Maybe he's not good for me, and maybe I'm not good for him. Maybe, even as much as I want to be, I just can't be enough for him. And maybe, as much as he wants to be, he just can't be enough for me. Because I don't want to hurt all the time. And I don't want to feel like I'm pathetic, ruined, or less than what one's standards desire. Every time I get to this place, I just want to say, please let's just go our separate ways. I'll always love you (and I will), but I don't want to live like this anymore. I've hurt too much for too long now. Sometimes, having nothing at all is better than having something that's hurtful. I can be alone. I can be okay alone. But I cannot continue to be mistreated. My self esteem is not nearly where it should be, but I do know that I deserve better. This guys needs a crash course from Will Smith in how to treat a lady. But, for some strange reason, I think the only person he treats this way is me. The question is, why do I continue to take it. And when will I stop? If you're reading this blog today and can offer me some words of advice, please do. Because right now, I'm drained emotionally. I must be finished writing my blog because the tears are starting to flow now. May God help me, what have I done to deserve this?
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