Yesterday, I had a panic attack. I was really shocked because I do still take medication for panic attacks. In fact, I take enough medication to keep them from occurring (under normal conditions anyway). But yesterday wasn’t a normal day. In fact, the last few weeks haven’t been normal. I haven’t been exercising, I haven’t been eating properly, and my sleep has been minimal at best. I am alive, therefore, I have problems.
I’m currently working a full time job after which I go to work at another full time job that I’m transitioning into. I’m in the middle of a divorce. My bills are overdue. My kids won’t even answer my home phone anymore because no one calls but creditors. My soon to be ex-husband has a six figure salary, but he’s hiding money in various places and paying his bills while I exist on a meager $18,000/year. At my last physical, my physician told me that there was a buildup of plaque in the arteries in my neck, my cholesterol was high, and that I was at increased risk for a stroke. Three weeks ago, I had the flu and was at home for several days for which I will not be paid. One week ago, my daughter had the flu and was out of school the entire week. My teenage son spent the last few days at home, suspended from school, because he had so many things bothering him (that he wouldn’t talk to anyone about) that he finally “snapped.” I spent my entire evening yesterday at a disciplinary committee meeting only to find that he was not expelled from the school (which is such a blessing), but that he had lied to me about the incidents that occurred, has been lying to me for the past two years, and he is on probation for the next two years at school. He also has to go to counseling (which I have to pay and provide transportation for). I don’t mind taking him to counseling if it will help, but I’ve taken him before over the years (to 3 different counselors for several months each) and he just sits there eye to eye with them, not uttering a word.
I have to ask myself, did I fail as a parent? I was always there for school events, homework, sports, awards days – I coached, I was room mom, I went to school for their presentations, helped with projects, and did everything I thought a mom should do. I have told my kids that I love them each and every day of their lives. I hug them constantly. So what happened? Is there something wrong with me? Am I okay? Why are so many things going so wrong in my life all at once? And then, I have to stop and realize that this is my “pain body” (read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”) exerting its control over me. It has no control that I do not allow it to have. My job is to remember that I am not my circumstances. I have to realize that I still have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, eat 3 meals each and every day (in fact, losing about 15 pounds wouldn’t hurt one bit), I love my kids and they love me, and I have a wonderful, caring, supportive (though slightly dysfunctional) family. And they say what doesn’t kill you stronger. (Although I do sometimes wonder if the person who said that is still alive.)
Yes, parts of my life are terrible right now and I have to take medicine just to get to sleep at night, no matter how tired I already am. Then, in the morning, I have to drink coffee just to stay awake. But each day is a new day, and every now and then, I’m filled with hope by some little thing, some small kindness bestowed upon me by a loved one, a co-worker, or even a stranger.
Yesterday, I checked my email for the first time in a couple of weeks and there was a message from Luz. That one email message from Luz really touched my heart, and made me feel like, even if from afar, someone is thinking about me. Someone cares. And I care about Luz and everybody else who is going through difficult situations. Panic attacks, anxiety disorders, OCD, bipolar disorders, overdue bills, kid issues, health issues, health insurance issues, the loss of a loved one – the list goes on and on. So, I’m asking anybody who reads my blog today to do me a favor: do or say something nice to somebody today. Say something nice to someone every day and mean it. Make it your goal. You never know how much one small thing can do to make a difference in someone’s life. It doesn’t take much – just to know that somebody noticed you or cares enough to give you a smile when you don’t have anything but frowns inside. Thank you for the smile you gave me yesterday Luz. Hugs to you for that!!! And hugs to you too Marcy (you know who you are) because you make me smile too, and I love you for that.
I’m currently working a full time job after which I go to work at another full time job that I’m transitioning into. I’m in the middle of a divorce. My bills are overdue. My kids won’t even answer my home phone anymore because no one calls but creditors. My soon to be ex-husband has a six figure salary, but he’s hiding money in various places and paying his bills while I exist on a meager $18,000/year. At my last physical, my physician told me that there was a buildup of plaque in the arteries in my neck, my cholesterol was high, and that I was at increased risk for a stroke. Three weeks ago, I had the flu and was at home for several days for which I will not be paid. One week ago, my daughter had the flu and was out of school the entire week. My teenage son spent the last few days at home, suspended from school, because he had so many things bothering him (that he wouldn’t talk to anyone about) that he finally “snapped.” I spent my entire evening yesterday at a disciplinary committee meeting only to find that he was not expelled from the school (which is such a blessing), but that he had lied to me about the incidents that occurred, has been lying to me for the past two years, and he is on probation for the next two years at school. He also has to go to counseling (which I have to pay and provide transportation for). I don’t mind taking him to counseling if it will help, but I’ve taken him before over the years (to 3 different counselors for several months each) and he just sits there eye to eye with them, not uttering a word.
I have to ask myself, did I fail as a parent? I was always there for school events, homework, sports, awards days – I coached, I was room mom, I went to school for their presentations, helped with projects, and did everything I thought a mom should do. I have told my kids that I love them each and every day of their lives. I hug them constantly. So what happened? Is there something wrong with me? Am I okay? Why are so many things going so wrong in my life all at once? And then, I have to stop and realize that this is my “pain body” (read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”) exerting its control over me. It has no control that I do not allow it to have. My job is to remember that I am not my circumstances. I have to realize that I still have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, eat 3 meals each and every day (in fact, losing about 15 pounds wouldn’t hurt one bit), I love my kids and they love me, and I have a wonderful, caring, supportive (though slightly dysfunctional) family. And they say what doesn’t kill you stronger. (Although I do sometimes wonder if the person who said that is still alive.)
Yes, parts of my life are terrible right now and I have to take medicine just to get to sleep at night, no matter how tired I already am. Then, in the morning, I have to drink coffee just to stay awake. But each day is a new day, and every now and then, I’m filled with hope by some little thing, some small kindness bestowed upon me by a loved one, a co-worker, or even a stranger.
Yesterday, I checked my email for the first time in a couple of weeks and there was a message from Luz. That one email message from Luz really touched my heart, and made me feel like, even if from afar, someone is thinking about me. Someone cares. And I care about Luz and everybody else who is going through difficult situations. Panic attacks, anxiety disorders, OCD, bipolar disorders, overdue bills, kid issues, health issues, health insurance issues, the loss of a loved one – the list goes on and on. So, I’m asking anybody who reads my blog today to do me a favor: do or say something nice to somebody today. Say something nice to someone every day and mean it. Make it your goal. You never know how much one small thing can do to make a difference in someone’s life. It doesn’t take much – just to know that somebody noticed you or cares enough to give you a smile when you don’t have anything but frowns inside. Thank you for the smile you gave me yesterday Luz. Hugs to you for that!!! And hugs to you too Marcy (you know who you are) because you make me smile too, and I love you for that.
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I'm so glad I could do for you what you did for me, but I'm even happier that you realize your situation isn't representative of your abilities or your worth as a person. I mean, I know it's trickier than that. I know you have moments where you're crying and you're sure you deserve everything bad that comes your way, but at least on a conscious level, you know better. You've made incredibly hard choices, and you're sticking by them. You're incredibly strong to keep getting through each exhausting day with such patience and love for others.
ReplyDeleteAnd on the big bright side, at least you won't have to see your ex-husband much, soon. :) And isn't that worth some of this?! Sounds like it is, from what I've read here. Doesn't exactly seem like a prize guy to put you--nevermind, his children!!--through the troubles and trauma that comes with an $18,000/yr salary.
And finally, I bet you're an awesome mom. Bad mothers are not this self-aware and they definitely don't address their children's mental health as actively as you seem to. You're such an incredible woman. I'm glad I met you--if only virtually.
Hugs. Gonna get Tolle this weekend.