Who, What, Where, When, Why?

This weekend has been really difficult. I mean really, really difficult. I'm in a relationship with someone who is BPD. At times, he can be sweet, funny, attentive, loving -- you name it. Anything you want in a relationship, at times he can be that. But then there are those times when you realize that he's in a relationship with you because he's scared to be out of a relationship with you. He hides things (i.e., people) from you. He makes excuses for being around women that just don't make sense. He treats you like you're nothing. He says things to you that let you know he feels like you're property, not a person. He rages, gets angry, accuses you of things you haven't done, and is ever suspicious. He makes hateful statements and then seconds later, can't (or won't) remember saying them. And when you try to end the relationship because of all the pain you feel, he makes you feel guilty...no, I take that back. No one has the power to make you feel anything. They have an action and you have a reaction. My reaction is to feel sorry for him, guilty that he's hurting so much, and it makes me feel like a lowlife to let the relationship go because of all the pain he's experienced in the past? But what about my pain?

Today is one of those days when I don't care whether I live or die. The pain is too much to handle. I try to love his pain away, but I can't. No one can. And the pain inside of me continues to grow. I know that for most people, the answer is easy -- just leave. But, I think I must be an enabler or something because I can find the words to say "I'm done, and it's over," but I can't stick to it once he starts talking about his childhood and how I know he has problems and he doesn't have anybody else but me. But who do I have? Who do I turn to when I want to suck down every last pill I have and screw this world that today, I feel, has so royally screwed me. I'm caught in a cycle of love and hate. Life and death. My heart is empty and I just HURT. And I'm tired of hurting. I am not the savior of the world. I don't want to be. I just want to save ME. Because there are days when I have so much pain, I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost inside someone else's identity. And they don't care as long as they get what they want. Who is there for me, what can I do to escape this misery, when will this end, where can I find help? Why is this happening?