I know this blog is supposed to be about anxiety, depression, OCD, and BDP, but I've spent a lot of time covering anxiety, and since I'm writing from my heart, I only write when I feel the emotion to do so. Today is one of those days. But once again, I'm writing about BPD and depression. You see, my BPD friend is so critical of me that no matter how happy I am at any given point during the day, it almost brings me to tears sometimes. And sometimes it actually does bring me to tears.
I am close to crying as I write this, but I haven't yet. Maybe afterwards -- I feel the need to put my feelings down on paper before I can allow the emotion to flow out of me physically in the form of tears.
No matter what I say, no matter what I do, he criticizes me. Today I said something about how cold it is going to be over the next couple of days, and he starts going off on me telling me that "It's wintertime, it's supposed to be cold. Shit!" Now, that makes sense, but do I really deserve to be spoken to that way? Am I that small of a human being, with so little to offer that this is the way someone should show me love? Am I so desperate that I should accept it? Not very many days ago, this same person was complaining about how they had planned on going out but changed their mind because it was simply too cold. Now, I didn't go on a tangent talking about how it's winter and he should expect it to be cold. When I brought this up today, his response was "I'm an adult and I can change my mind about going out for whatever reason I want to -- sleepy, tired, too cold, WHATEVER!!!"
I truly, deeply care for this person. But I'm so tired of being his whipping post, his dog to kick, his trash. Why can't I make him understand that I don't deserve to be spoken to like this? Why do his words have to be filled with venom and his tone so harsh and nasty? I think it's time for me to really take a look at what's wrong with me that makes me stay with a person who continues to treat me like this day after day after day. Oh, some days are wonderful, but some are so horrible, I can't even find the words to express the depth of hurt that I feel. I've hurt him with my anxiety, and I acknowledge that. He hurts me with his words. But he will say something and then swear he didn't say it -- it's just my mind playing with me.
My future is very unsure right now. I know what I want, but I also know what's not good for me. Maybe he's not good for me, and maybe I'm not good for him. Maybe, even as much as I want to be, I just can't be enough for him. And maybe, as much as he wants to be, he just can't be enough for me. Because I don't want to hurt all the time. And I don't want to feel like I'm pathetic, ruined, or less than what one's standards desire. Every time I get to this place, I just want to say, please let's just go our separate ways. I'll always love you (and I will), but I don't want to live like this anymore. I've hurt too much for too long now. Sometimes, having nothing at all is better than having something that's hurtful. I can be alone. I can be okay alone. But I cannot continue to be mistreated. My self esteem is not nearly where it should be, but I do know that I deserve better. This guys needs a crash course from Will Smith in how to treat a lady. But, for some strange reason, I think the only person he treats this way is me. The question is, why do I continue to take it. And when will I stop? If you're reading this blog today and can offer me some words of advice, please do. Because right now, I'm drained emotionally. I must be finished writing my blog because the tears are starting to flow now. May God help me, what have I done to deserve this?
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I can't imagine what it is like to be a naturally strong-feeling woman in an intimate relationship with a BPD man. It would be an emotional roller coaster and not the enjoyable kind at all.
ReplyDeleteIt is not nice to be belittled for what you say. The beauty of getting along with someone is you can just say whatever is on your mind and know that it doesn't have to be smart or clever or right. Mature adults get joy from just sharing and vibing with each other. Unfortunately BPDs take just about everything personally and it sounds like he makes himself feel more in control and worthy by putting you down in the pit.
When we are immature, including emotionally stunted, we get our sense of self from comparing ourself to others. For him to have some sense of worthiness he has to put you down. Double this becasue he is a man and feels expectation to be right, strong in control and it is an impossible situation.
It probably won't help but it is not about you.
No matter what you say or do he will not change and it is not your job to change the way he treats you.
I know you want to leave. There will naturally be a strong inter-mingling of energy after being together so long and when we part or want to part this energy inter-mingling is difficult and painful to break. It is real. Your energy and his will be connected if we could view your auras. Be aware that it is like a magnet so even though you are not happy this energy will keep you attached until you consciously break it. And yes despite the freedom you find it might be sad or painful for a few days or weeks but don't confuse that for love.