Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Once again, I'm blogging. My day started out pretty decently -- I slept a little late before going in to work, and my work day was going just fine. But my BPD friend found a way to screw it all up for me. I was on a conference call with my boss, and because I'd slept late, thereby getting to work late, I wasn't able to call my friend to say hello. When he called me (5 times back to back on my cell phone), I was talking with my boss, so I couldn't just hang up the phone or take the call. When I was free, I called him back, and he just raged on me. He complained about how selfish I am and said that I mistreated him by not answering the phone. I explained the circumstances, but it was like I'd said nothing at all. He was unphased and definitely not empathetic.

I tried calling him several times during the day after that, thinking he would ease up, but every time I called, he did the same thing -- blame me for neglecting him. I finally got so angry that I had an outburst myself and told him that I had never been more sick in my entire life than since I'd met him (which is absolutely true and I think it's from the stress of the relationship), and that I was tired of being frustrated and angry all the time. I'm verbally abused by him and I know it. A thought occurred to me tonight that he does spend time telling me how beautiful I am, and how special I am. I think he does that just to make me stay in the relationship, because he also spends plenty of time criticizing my every move -- everything I do. More than one person has noticed how much he criticizes me. And I think the reason he does that is to keep me feeling badly about myself because if I felt really good about myself, he'd have to go. So he alternates between the two, manipulating me like a professional.

I'm so torn because I feel so very badly about the circumstances in which he grew up, which were deplorable. No one should ever have to be treated the way he was. But I too grew up in difficult circumstances, though they were different. I've had problems all my life, and anxiety since I was 18. So what the hell am I doing with this person whose ultimate goal in life is to build me up and then tear me down. We're on a rollercoaster that just won't stop and let me off. I feel sorry for me and I feel sorry for him. I can't wait for the day that "me" is no longer in this "we". My life is a living nightmare. I don't know how to wake up. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't -- literally.